Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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