My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
