A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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