Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize