I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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