He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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