as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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