I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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