You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
