I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
