We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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