just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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