Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
