I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
i think my cat just said my name.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
