Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
