you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
