He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
