I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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