if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
