she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
