I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
