Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
