my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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