He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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