I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
