i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize