are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
