Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
