our cab driver is having phone sex.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
