my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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