Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
