Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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