Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You don't make any sense
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