no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
