meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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