i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
