Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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