Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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