Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
