We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
