I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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