Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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