you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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