I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
