Dude my mom stole all your condoms
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
