theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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