I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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