I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
