my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Randomize
