please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
