I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
