I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I am available for nakedness
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
