hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize