Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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