my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
