I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
