I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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