can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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