I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
