The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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